


tangles and knots

by SerpentineJ



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: A little bit of angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 04:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11707131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerpentineJ/pseuds/SerpentineJ
Summary: Carisi's got a lot of feelings. His wires seem to get especially crossed around Barba.





	tangles and knots

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: hey svu writers when will sonny smile again?? Im real worried abt him

"Carisi."

Fin drops a file folder, thick with paper, next to Sonny's head, making him jolt upright in surprise.

"I'm awake-" Sonny blurts, eyes flying open, looking around, disorientated. Fin surreptitiously checks for drool marks on the paper he'd been napping on. "What's goin' on?"

"Nothin'." Fin sighs. He points to the folder, and Carisi flips through it- more paperwork for the case that they've just closed, and he groans.

"I swear, SVU has more paperwork than homicide." He rubs his eyes.

Fin snorts.

"Better caffeine up." He half-jokes, taking a drink from his own cup, and heads back to his desk. Sonny slouches in his seat again and rubs his forehead, but looks up again when he hears Fin say, "Barba?", a surprised edge to his voice.

He intentionally doesn't look up. He and Barba haven't been on... the best of terms lately, since apparently Sonny can't stop snapping at the man at every chance he gets. It's not intentional, he swears. He's been under stress, he tells himself. 

"Is Liv here?" He hears Barba's voice, steady as always. He's probably still wearing the same charcoal-with-purple-accents three-piece as earlier in the day. 

Of course Barba is looking for Olivia. Sonny sees how Barba's eyes go soft when he looks at her, and he tries to stop thinking about it, because he has enough to think about as it is. 

Unconsciously, he touches the outline of the rosary beads in his inside breast pocket, and stares unseeingly down at the paperwork on his desk. Another priestly abuse of power. He's starting to get sick of reading about religion.

Sonny only feels safe from the hatred and the corruption when he sits in the pew of his childhood church in Staten Island, hand white-knuckled around his rosary. He's starting to feel like he can't trust other churches anymore, and he hates himself for it.

"Carisi." Barba's voice again. Sonny stiffens. He must have missed Fin's reply. He must have missed Barba walking slowly over to stand behind his desk, hands in his pockets, feigning a casual air. "You're still here."

It's not a question or a statement- just an observation, and Sonny relaxes a fraction, leaning back in his chair and turning around halfway, making eye contact with the man.

"Yeah." He says, and his voice even sounds tired to his own ears. "Just. Paperwork."

Barba seems a little awkward. He glances from Carisi's face to his desk and back again, and his eyes narrow for a moment as though he's seeing something of interest in the creases in Sonny's forehead.

"Mmm." Barba makes a non-committal noise.

"The Lieu went home to Noah." Sonny offers, for lack of anything better to say. Something's wrong between him and Barba. It might have something to do with the slight changes Sonny can feel in himself. After work, he used to cook, or go over to friends' or coworkers, or go to night school, Fordham Law, but now all he does is go home. The walls of his apartment feel muted and grey. He shuffles out of his clothes, maybe has a drink, and falls into bed and into a restless sleep that feels like static.

"Fin told me." Barba replies, and he hasn't said anything of actual weight. He's just staring at Sonny like he can see through him, and Sonny shifts slightly in his seat, breaking eye contact.

"Ah." Sonny says.

Barba takes a half-breath, like he's about to say something, but when Sonny glances back up at him he cuts himself off.

"Why didn't you take the job with the Brooklyn DA?" He asks instead. Sonny's jaw twitches.

"Dunno." He answers stiffly, turning away a fraction in his chair. "Didn't feel right. You know."

It's a cop-out answer, he knows, and he feels a little like a petulant child, especially under Barba's unreadable gaze, but he purses his lips and tries again to settle the writhing mass of unrest in the pit of his stomach. He hasn't felt right, these past few months. Irritation permeates every layer of his perception.

"Mm." Barba makes another noise that doesn't tell Sonny anything. 

Both of them pause. Sonny knows, vaguely, Fin is on the other side of the bullpen, probably trudging through the rest of his work, and the rest of the squad has gone home already. The room feels a bit empty.

"Thanks for the interview, though." Sonny says begrudgingly.

"They needed an entry-level candidate." Barba looks away, shifting on his feet, avoiding the gratitude Sonny extends to him. "I... happened to know someone who had just passed the Bar."

Sonny chuckles for the first time in a while, but it's dry and sardonic, no hint of the airheaded cheer that had flooded his first impressions amongst the squad.

"Yeah." He exhales. "Someone who passed the Bar. That's all I'll ever be in your eyes, huh, Counselor."

Barba's eyes snap back to him.

"What?" He says.

Sonny shakes his head.

"Nothin'." He sighs. "It's pretty late, Counselor. Liv's not here, you should call it a day. Come back tomorrow."

He's turned his gaze back to his paperwork, and picks up his pen again, but he can feel Barba's stare boring into him. 

"You..." Barba's voice, but Sonny doesn't look back up, pen scratching on the form he's filling out. "Carisi. I wouldn't have recommended you for the job if I didn't think you could hack it."

Sonny looks to the side, fingers stilling. 

"Yeah." He admits, the air leaving his lungs in a rush. "Yeah, I know that."

And- surprise of surprises- Barba sits in the hard chair next to his desk, the one that's for witnesses and people he's about to lock up, and cocks his head in the particular way that only he does. 

"Carisi." He says, breaking the silence again. "How old are you?"

"Taking an interest in my personal life, Counselor?" Sonny feels one corner of his mouth twist upwards in a wry, lopsided smile, and it's reflected on Barba's face after a moment. He doesn't know how to feel, in this moment- he feels that familiar tingling of pleasure, the one that buzzes in his veins whenever someone who'd originally written him off sees him with fresh eyes and considers him, definitely, but there's the part of him that hates how Barba talks to him sometimes, like he's a child. His gut feels more twisted than the computer cables behind his monitor.

"In your dreams." Barba's eyes crinkle for a second, but his expression quickly turns more solemn. "You look like you've lost weight."

Carisi does smile, now, a real smile, and looks Barba in the eye. This is something he can do, he thinks. Familiar.

"Didn't know you were checking me out, Counselor." He grins. 

Barba crosses his legs and leans back in the chair. He doesn't say anything. His eyes track Carisi's face.

Sonny sighs, the smile melting a bit. 

"Yeah." He admits. "I've been a bit under the weather."

"No kidding." Barba shrugs. "Snapping at your coworkers, tearing criminals apart in interrogation..."

Sonny shudders. He puts his face in his hands.

"Do you ever," he says, "wish you hadn't gone into law?"

Barba watches him.

"Are you regretting becoming a detective?" He asks, voice carefully measured.

Sonny exhales into his palms. 

"Nah." He replies, voice muffled. "But- SVU is the worst thing I've ever worked, Barba."

"Mm." Barba makes that noise again. Agreeable, but prompting Sonny to continue.

"I mean," Sonny says, dropping his hands but not raising his head, "I worked homicide, sure, but in homicide the victim's... already dead, y'know?" 

He does raise his eyes to Barba now, straightening his back. The slump of exhaustion is ever-present in the line of his shoulders.

"In SVU..." Sonny shudders. "Liv and I chased a guy. A former cop. He raped and kidnapped a girl he saved, took her to his house, Barba, and when we raided the house-" His voice chokes. "When we raided the house... the guy gets his gun right up against my forehead."

Sonny taps his forefinger against the center of his forehead. He can feel the ghost of the cold metal of the barrel against his skin.

Barba exhales. His hand twitches on his knee.

"And then Liv blows his brains out from the stairwell." Sonny finishes helplessly. "The blood- it was everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. All over me, all over the wall..." He shrugs, shoulders shaking fractionally. "He was dead before he hit the floor."

Barba tilts his head. He's a surprisingly good listener, maybe because it seems like he always knows what you're thinking, Sonny thinks.

"And Mike Dodds." Sonny's voice drops to a low whisper. "And the cases. The cases with the priests, and the pimps, and the people who don't care if a kid loses his parents, or if a parent loses their kid-" He breaks off.

"SVU is about surviving." Barba says, voice rough. 

Sonny laughs humorlessly.

"Yeah," he says.

~~~~~~

Barba leaves after a bit, Sonny shooing him out because the man has a deposition first thing tomorrow morning, he shouldn't be wasting his time listening to a detective whining about his job- he seems oddly reluctant to go. Maybe Barba's more sentimental in the evenings, Sonny thinks.

Meanwhile, Sonny finishes his paperwork and goes home. He sighs as he unlocks the door to his beat-down apartment, sighs as he locks up behind him, sighs as he shrugs off his suit jacket and changes into a soft set of pajamas.

He's not allowed to paint the walls. His landlord will kill him. The apartment is grey and quiet, aside from the muffled sound of a television through the walls, and time seems to move like molasses.

Sonny eats a sandwich and brushes his teeth, and he's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

~~~~~~

"It's alright, just a rough patch." Sonny laughs into his phone. "I'll come see the kid soon, okay, Bella?"

There's a pause.

"Yeah, yeah." He almost rolls his eyes. "I know how to feed myself, y'know... yeah, the squad's good... yeah, I'll give Rollins and the Lieu your number so you guys can set up a playdate."

There's a noise from behind him, from where he's standing facing the wall and the coffee machine in the faux-break room that's just a corner of the room with a couple counters and a box of pretzels and a crappy microwave, but his phone is pressed against his ear and Bella is chattering about teaching the kids to read, so he doesn't look around.

"Yeah." He says, one final time. "See ya."

Sonny hangs up and shoves his phone in his pocket.

"Your sister?" That familiar voice. Barba.

Sonny exhales.

"Yeah." He repeats, turning to face the other man, who's engaging in two of his favorite pastimes- pilfering from the SVU pretzel jar and needling Sonny. Barba pops a pretzel in his mouth. Sonny can hear the crunch of the snack between his teeth.

"How is she?" Barba asks, and his needling seems less pointed today. Like embroidery-needling instead of sewing-needling.

Sonny shrugs.

"She's alright." He says. "Busy with the baby. Tommy's really taken on responsibility, though, so that's good."

"Glad to hear." Barba replies. He eats another pretzel, then screws the lid of the jar shut, brushing off his hands. He wanders off, and Sonny wonders what his goal was in coming over to talk to him in the first place. 

Maybe he really just wanted a pretzel.

~~~~~~

Sonny hefts the box of files in his arms and shuffles to jab the up button in the gold-embellished elevator of the DA's office, shifting his weight from foot to foot. Someone rushes into the elevator beside him at the last minute.

"Oh," he says, glancing around. "You're-"

Carmen catches her breath- how she'd run to the elevator in those heels, in that skirt, both impresses and mystifies Sonny- and smiles at him. She's very pretty. Sonny wonders if the stereotype of the older man and his beautiful young secretary is more applicable than he thought, but pushes the thought out of his mind.

"Detective Carisi." She says, brushing down her lapel. "Dropping off something for Mr. Barba?"

Sonny nods, shrugs, hefts the box overflowing with manila folders in his arms in response. She laughs- it's a nice sound, bright and light and sparkling. 

"Can I help you with those?" She offers, as the floor counter on the wall of the elevator ticks upwards. 

"Nah, I got 'em." He smiles back, superficially, but it is nice to have an easy conversation with someone who's not expecting something from him, or looking for an opportunity to cut him down. He realizes that, for someone he sees so often, he knows very little about Carmen. "How've you been? Still burnin' the midnight oil every other night?"

Carmen chuckles. They're almost at Barba's floor. 

"That's my job." She shrugs, smiling fondly. "And Mr. Barba's, too." Barba and Carmen always seemed to be close, despite both their professional demeanors. Sonny thinks it's because Carmen is the kind of person to work efficiently and simply, not a kissup or a showboater, and Barba appreciates that. A mutually beneficial relationship. Their types work well together.

"Hah." Sonny makes a noise, lips curling upwards. The elevator dings, because they've arrived at the floor, but if Sonny could reach out and stop her as the door starts to open he would. "Hey, Carmen-"

Carmen looks at him.

"Yes?" She looks at him. Her eyes are big and brown and soft, with an intelligent depth to them. 

"Uh." He says. "Barba's death threats. I know you said you didn't need a protective detail, and it seems like they've died down, but if you ever feel concerned about your safety, or if anything happens-"

Carmen grins.

"I'll call you." She promises, and the door opens completely and they're both walking out of the elevator, now, while people file in to take their place. "Now, which case are those files for?"

~~~~~~

Barba had been out of the office, which was a good thing, because Sonny doesn't know if he can deal with talking to the other man right now. It's not personal, he tells himself, but he knows that out of all of them, his attitude towards Barba has shifted the most. He can't seem to help snapping at him whenever they talk nowadays.

"Carisi?" Rollins' voice. "Hey, Earth to Carisi."

Sonny blinks. He's staring blankly at a tarp-covered body. A serial rapist who had picked the wrong lady to victimize- attacking a kickboxing instructor and personal trainer isn't a good idea in any scenario. 

"I didn't do anything, I swear-" The woman wails. "I hit him in the side of the head because he was molesting me, and he suddenly fell, it wasn't my fault-"

"We believe you." Olivia soothes her, wrapping her in a shock blanket and guiding her into the back of one of the squad cars, instructing Fin to drive her back and take her statement. 

"You okay?" Rollins taps Sonny on the elbow, glancing from the body to him and back again. Light rain patters on the skin of the black umbrella in his other hand, water cascading off the edge in droplets. 

Sonny shakes his head, regains his bearings.

"Yeah." He says. "Yeah, I'm fine." The air smells like wet brick and earth. 

"Honestly? You don't seem fine." Rollins shrugs, trailing him out of the corner of her eye before realigning her gaze. "Anyways, we don't have an ID on the vic yet, he wasn't carrying a wallet."

Sonny starts to move through the motions. Forensics is almost finished setting up, so he follows Rollins and inspects the crime scene, takes note of the scuffle marks on the ground a few feet away from the body. Homicide was different than SVU, because in homicide, you were supposed to find the killer. In SVU, they know who the killer is, but it's not that simple.

~~~~~~

Barba is in love with Lieutenant Benson.

Anyone who watches closely enough can see it. Not romantically, in the strictest sense, but Barba's feelings towards Olivia are something that thicken the air around them, to anyone who knows how to observe on Barba's wavelength.

Sonny can see it. He knows, understands, because he's a little in love with the Lieu too. There's something about the strength of her character and her ideals that works charm and magic on people. All she has to do is speak in that firm and heartfelt tone, give a light touch on a shoulder or an arm, look under her lashes with the big, deep, brown eyes that reflect her worlds of experience, and people feel compelled to match the best effort that she always gives with their own.

Barba offers to buy her a drink (but is declined, because she needs to go home to Noah), tries cases that could destroy his career (because Olivia asked him to, honest idealism burning in her heart), breaks his own rules and his own heart for a woman who's in love with justice first and foremost. Sonny feels it too. He works harder than as hard as he can because he craves the touch of praise, a fleeting smile from his commanding officer. Approval from Olivia is validation in its purest form.

That's why Carisi is here now.

"C'mon, little man." He hefts Noah in his lap. "Wanna watch some TV? Huh?"

Noah giggles and hooks his tiny fingers in the open collar of his shirt. Carisi's tie is discarded, slightly crumpled, on the dinner table, along with bowls from his and Noah's supper- spaghetti, and he'd made enough sauce to fill a couple containers to put in the fridge for the Lieu. He sits on the couch, bouncing Noah on his knee and then on the couch cushions, turns the television on to some cartoon channel that he remembers his niece watching.

There's a knock on the door.

Sonny is immediately on guard. His hand almost goes to his gun, except he's left his firearm and his holster on the table along with his tie, so he gets up and creeps up to the peephole.

It's Barba.

Sonny waits for him to knock again to open the door.

"Carisi?" Barba sounds surprised. Sonny figures he would be too, if he went to the Lieutenant's apartment and saw Barba standing in the doorway, sleeves rolled up, no tie, a small spaghetti stain on his shirtfront that's nothing more than a slight damp spot since he had rinsed it out so it didn't stain.

Then again, Carisi doesn't make unsolicited house visits to his boss.

"Counselor?" He blinks.

Barba's holding something. A file.

"I was-" He breaks off. "Is Liv in? I need to give this to her for trial tomorrow."

Sonny shakes his head.

"Nah, the Lieu's out tonight. She and Tucker headed out a few hours ago for an impromptu date night, but she couldn't get Lucy on short notice, so I volunteered to look after Noah." He shrugs. 

"Ah." Barba looks to the side. "Well, can you-"

"Rafi!" A voice around Sonny's knees. Noah clings to Sonny's leg, beaming, looking up at Barba, whose eyes soften for a moment, because this is the little man Olivia loves with all her heart.

"Hey, Noah." Barba smiles before turning to Carisi. "I'm not good with kids."

Sonny barks out a laugh.

"Something the great ADA can't do," he says, and he and Barba have been on such different wavelengths recently that he can't tell if he's toeing a line or not.

Luckily Barba doesn't take offence. He wordlessly extends the file to Sonny, who takes it, and his heart still flutters when Barba's gaze lingers a little too long on his face, but now it inspires a coil of self-hatred in his gut. Just because Barba had been a bit nice, vouched for him, not insulted him or blown him off (and, a few times, looked at him with that smile on his face and that soft look in his eyes), doesn't mean anything. Right now, he feels unsettled with everything to do with law enforcement. Maybe he's getting a little jaded. He can't control the seething anger inside him. Sonny turns away, and he thinks Barba's eyes track the side of his neck. 

Or maybe he's imagining things.

"Rafi?" Sonny says instead, a hint of a wry smile pulling at one end of his mouth.

Barba rolls his eyes.

"Good night, Detective." He says, turning away. Sonny stands in the doorway, feeling his conflicting emotions- admiration for Barba, frustration at his own weakness, jealousy of the Lieutenant, who gets personal house visits from Barba, and the recently ever-present anger, darkness, teeth-grinding blackness that's settled in the pit of his stomach since the terrorism case, since the onslaught of dirty cop cases, since the first time he had thought, 'being a cop brings out the darkness in people'- tear him apart.

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: tbh i think barba is really really platonically in love with liv?? like... he really loves her... so does everyone and for good reason but. i think barba is really helplessly in love with the strength of liv's ideals... he would destroy his career trying a case if liv said she thought it was right...
> 
> Season 18: The Season Where Barba And Carisi Fight
> 
> SORRY IF THIS IS OOC I HAVENT WRITTEN BARISI IN LIKE A YEAR i lov them season 18 hurts me
> 
> hmu: [tumblr](http://kimishitaatsushi.tumblr.com), [twitter](http://twitter.com/romanevikov), [writing twitter](http://twitter.com/jjigens)


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